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Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
Guys... If the girl your getting down with doesn`t even have time to fake an orgasm..... It`s prob best you just make your sandwich
It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
My son just accused me of making stuff up. I wouldn`t mind but I don`t even have any children!
For Sale. Old batteries, free of charge.
I should be able to take a sick day if I am sick of the people I work with.
I`m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
All men approve of premarital sex......until they have a daughter.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
I`m tough and can take whatever life throws at me ... Especially if its dipped in chocolate first.
I saw a book titled Learning To Read For Dummies. At first I thought that sounded insulting, but then I realized anybody who would be insulted by that title wouldn`t even know what it says.
what I hate about technology is that even my book ran out of batteries
My neighbors listen to AC/DC at 6:00 every morning. Whether they like it or not...
I end a sentence with `just saying` because ending with `dumba$$` would be offensive.
Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...