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Why hasn`t anyone invented a button next to the snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
Im going to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people`s cars saying "sorry for the damage." Then watching the magic.
Does the sleeve tat go with my male pattern baldness and pot belly? Asking for a friend.
Well, if anything, the Mayans did teach us one valuable lesson. If you don`t finish something...it`s really not the end of the world.
Hate is too powerful an emotion to waste on somebody you don`t even like.
“Check that sh!t out” luckily rarely refers to actual sh!t.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would`ve been if he`d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Ladies: Sometimes you just need to throw your arms up in the air and say, "Tie me up"
It’s what people don’t know about each other that makes them such good friends.
Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.
Don`t be sad, laundry. Nobody is doing me either.
Sometimes I buy huge pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.
You’d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.
Don`t understand how you can forget about someone you loved so much. Like that time my mum drove off and left me in the supermarket car park