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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
We live in an era of smart phones and stupid people.
Dad: Son its a fact that masturbation can lead to blindness. Me: Dad... Im over here ..
Yeah but why do they call him Bigfoot if both of his feet are the exact same size
The best way to scare a man is to use the urinal stall next to him. This works exceptionally well if you are a woman.
I never care whether or not my glass is half full or half empty... cause I drink straight from the bottle!
Homeless people should make more creative signs like "I bet you can`t hit me with a quarter...b!tch!"
I’m great at remembering names. I just don’t remember which one’s yours.
I`m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I`ll run them under cold water for half a second
Sad Fact- Boobie traps seldom involve boobies.
I have a moderate amount of skills in life, but one of those things does NOT include the ability to stop eating.
Who actually clicks on the "No I am not over 18" links on "adult" pages?
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so that I could slap 8 people at once.