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There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.
When I want your opinion, I’ll give it a funny voice.
Am I the only one who calculates how much sleep I can get before I go to bed?
I changed the audio of my GPS to a man`s voice. Now it just says "It`s around here somewhere. Keep driving for a little while."
Have you ever wondered what a job application at Hooters is like? Maybe they just give you a bra and say, “here, fill this out”.
When I was a kid…no wait, I still do that.
I`m first world poor. That means I have a smart phone and laptop that I use to go online and see that I have no money in my bank account.
My New Year`s resolution was to lose 15 lbs by the middle of February. I have 20 lbs. to go.
I’d get a lot more sleep if I didn’t insist on reading the entire internet every night.
I`m so broke right now that if someone tried to rob me, they`d just be practising..
Sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that
If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.
If she burns the bacon, she`s no good bro
I wish there was a room where we could go and see all the stuff we have ever lost.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do. Happy Fathers Day!