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So tell me, does it hurt to be so full of sh!t?
If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".
How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend
Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.
I may love you...but everyone else thinks you suck! I was kidding... I think you suck too.
I put ALL my eggs in one basket at the grocery store.... Today..!!
Irish Handcuffs: Holding a beer in each hand.
A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks I should skip work tomorrow.
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.
Make Tomorrow More Fun: Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE!? Neighbor: Get out of my house! Me: You`re not even guessing.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree ... I think I found my spirit animal.
If you still can read this, please inform me ASAP because I have probably blocked the wrong person!
I feel like I`ve passed my "Best If Used By date."
"Sir your phone`s ringing." "Yeah, phones do that."