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Still haven`t taken down the Christmas tree. Screw it. We now have a Super Bowl tree.
I used to be able to stay out much later than this. I find I just can’t these days. My phone battery just doesn’t have the stamina any more.
Change of plans everyone: NOBODY Wang Chung tonight.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That`s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
As soon as I figure out who drank my 2 cases of beer, I`m gonna try to figure out why I`m so drunk.
Obesity: When you buy a hula-hoop and it fits you.
So many Jehovah`s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah`s Evidence.
Do you ever wish that you could just unmeet someone.
I am so clever sometimes I don`t even understand what I`m saying.
It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks.
My sleep number is 24. That`s a case of beer and I sleep like a baby.
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like "tiny doll feet scampering into the closet" because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that.
Ok ... I just had a talk with myself, and it did not go well. Now I`m grounded.