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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
When I come home 4 the holidays I throw $40 on the table & say "Look we`re keeping the thermostat at 75, and we`re turning on some lights."
I know they didn`t ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax returns.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain realizes what I`m doing.
How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?
Men think they have it bad, but they`re not the ones having to hold their boobs when they run.
I hate how after an argument I think of really clever stuff I should have said.
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach? It`s not hard.
The difference between a straight girl and a lesbian is about four or five drinks.
Think about how much more stressful life`s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
If at first you don`t succeed...Do it the way your wife told you to. ;)
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
The only b word you should call a woman is beautiful. B!tches love to be called beautiful.
I love you Mario, but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of.
How many Weight Watcher points are in an entire bottle of wine?