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In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on.
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil?
What can I do today that is only going to happen once in a blue moon?
One of my biggest fears is that my car secretly records me singing.
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
Please drink responsibly this weekend and don`t drink and dri......Wait this is Facebook, most of you probably won`t leave the house! ... Good talk!
I only seem to remember I want to lose weight after eating 6 cookies.
Don`t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
You are by far my smartest and best looking friend on Facebook.
If you`re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Yoga is a great way to meet and embarrass yourself in front of women
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s ass to fall off.
Facebook - the place where you can whine and get likes for it...
When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.