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I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
I`ve done a lot of things over the years ... But acting normal has never been one of them.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on.
So if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the “Jags” and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the “Bucs,” what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
You know nothing about a woman, until she is drunk and mad at you.
Anybody have plans to stare at their phone somewhere exciting this weekend?
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the morning coffee and went straight for the booze?
Apparently, when people say "I could use a hand" it doesn`t mean they want to get slapped in the face.
Remember, you can always run from your problems. Unless your problem is a Cheetah.....then you`re screwed!
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever
I wish I had my own private chauffeur. . . . Then I could really commit to being an alcoholic!
Really offended that these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don`t treat every burrito with the utmost respect
Every day is just a new opportunity to eat pizza.
I`m making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I`m accurate, how do you spell your name again?
Man:Hello doc, my wife is having a baby. Doctor:Is this the first child? Man:No, it`s the husband speaking.