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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old`s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
My friend named her female dog Karma... Karmas a bitch.
My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
Miracle Whip is a bit of an exaggeration if you ask me.
My weekends are basically just spent splitting a bloomin` onion with my bros at Outback Steakhouse while trying to figure out why girls don`t like us.
"I wish people would start doing ice bucket challenges again" - said no one ever!
Peanut butter and jelly. That´s what I like in my belly
My dad`s TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
Why are clothes so expensive? I shouldn`t have to pay so much to not be naked. Other people should pay me not to be naked.
I saw a book titled Learning To Read For Dummies. At first I thought that sounded insulting, but then I realized anybody who would be insulted by that title wouldn`t even know what it says.
Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.