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You know you`re getting older when your friends start using the term "Pregnant" instead of "Knocked Up"
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life. 2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Relax,,, We`re all crazy.. It`s not a competition.
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
I think my guardian angel drinks.
Liking something on Facebook instead of commenting is like nodding at someone in an elevator instead of saying hello.
What if animals all speak a universal language, and we’re the odd ones out???
I maybe wrong but I doubt it.
Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up
This status could be yours for 3 easy payment of $8.99, get in quick because this offer won`t last for long, infact there are only 5 left.
My date just saved me tons of money by simply saying, "no, I don`t want to be your valentine and stop texting me!"
Don`t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Give me a fish & I`ll cook you dinner. Teach me to fish & I`ll just be sitting there in the boat with you getting drunk.
my neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums...
My wife told me to strive for perfection, so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit model.