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Roses are red, violets are blue. I have 5 fingers, the middle one is for you.
Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
There is a method to my madness....and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable.....
No one appreciates the special genius of your conversation like the dog does
I`m about as lost as lesbian on ChristianMingle.com
How the hell can Dora call herself an explorer if she only goes to places already on the map?
I miss flip phones because at the end of a conversation you could always dramatically close them like, bitch whatever.
Whenever someone says, "Have a good one." I always respond with, "I have a good one, I just wish it were longer."
My bank is the worst. They`re charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can`t even afford to be broke.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I`m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that`s what she wrote in her diary.
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I`m about as self-helpful as they come.
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone.
I`ll be back in five minutes. If I`m not, read this again :D
To avoid conversations at work, always walk with purpose and a toilet plunger.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on for awhile.