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Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
I have a pretty big ass, so when I half ass something you`re still getting something impressive.
If my body was a car, I`d trade it in for a newer model. Cause everytime I cough or sneeze, my radiator leeks and my exhaust backfires.
Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
The best way to make a bad day better is by adding alcohol.
In terms of procrastination, I`ve had a very productive day.
It`s time for all of us to admit the "endorphin rush" you get after exercise is just an overwhelming sense of relief it`s over
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed, it ruled.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore.
I shake my bottled water so the H`s & O`s are evenly distributed.
Why don`t they just get Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Fun Prank: Put $1000 in an envelope and mail it to me.
I like working from home. It`s much more comfortable than sleeping in my cubicle.
Based on my reaction to toast popping out of a toaster, Iād like to recommend you never throw me a surprise party.