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I`ve considered changing career paths and becoming a demolitions expert, but then I hear the education may cost me an arm and a leg.
Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
That awkward moment when you realize this year is just going to be filled with morons talking about the end of the world the whole time.
God is creative, I mean just look at me.
For Sale. Old batteries, free of charge.
My hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on.
Have you ever wondered if God looks down at you in a humorous moment, chuckles to himself, and says "yeah I made that!"
My mom says I`m special.
I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.
I wish conversations were like user agreements, where I could skip to the end and just agree.
Today I saw a cat with three legs, which was much better than finding the alternative, just a cat`s leg.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she`ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Breast awareness month: we stare because we care
I`d like to give you a big thumb`s-up. But I`m afraid that would be the wrong finger.
The older I get the better I used to be.