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Jehovah`s witnesses don`t celebrate Halloween. I guess they don`t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
My credit rating is so bad I got turned down for a magazine subscription.
Conspiracy theory for conspiracy theorists: Your conspiracy theories were planted by the government to distract you from real conspiracies.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Keychains were invented so that you can lose all of your keys at once.
I like to pee on car windows in subzero weather, happy scraping
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they`re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
My 12 step program means parking closer to the bar.
Let`s all have a moment of silence for people who can`t have a moment of silence because they have kids.
All you single ladies, please stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don`t subject an innocent cat to a life with you.
If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other
Okay, If we get caught here’s the story…
Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.
Money isn`t the key to happiness ... Wait a minute, I`ll just pay to have a key made.
Remember....... Its not drinking alone if you`re on Facebook ;)