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If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I`m like HOLY CRAP I`M OUTSIDE.
Matchbooks exist just to be clues in detective movies.
Some people wouldn`t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.
I don’t care how high you set the bar as long as I can reach my drink.
When you screw up, menopause can be a wonderful excuse for stupid things you do or say!!!
Another World`s Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.
Nothing ruins hump day like not getting humped.
Likes doing tokyo drifts with the shopping carts when I round the corner of each isle at Walmart.
Sobriety and I have agreed to see other people today
Not trying to be racist or ignorant but... seriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
If money grew on trees, Congress would actually care about the environment.
I want to tell my coworker I have strong feelings for her, but I`m afraid things might get weird if she knows I hate her.
I have a "honk if you think I`m sexy" bumper sticker on my truck so that way on the way to work, if I`m not feeling to excited to be there, I sit at a green light until I feel better.