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I don’t like being told what to do…unless I’m naked.
Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
I wonder if the clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look! ...that one`s shaped like an idiot!"?
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
I hate it when people are holding a device capable of using google and they ask me stupid questions.
Every time I do laundry I throw one sock in the garbage, because I lose sh*t on my own terms.
I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make 1 wool sweater. I didn`t even know they knew how to knit.
Nothing is better than seeing your ex with someone uglier than you!
Monday :`( Tuesday :-( Wednesday :- Thursday :-/ Friday :-| Saturday :-) Sunday B-)
I`m not worried about the zombie apocalypse that is coming. I`m worried about the fcuktard apocalypse that is here right now.
COCKADOODLEDOOOOOO!!!!
I need a job that pays at least 10,000 dollars an hour.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I KNOW HOW TO HIDE A DEAD BODY
I feel like we really lowered our expectations of what constitutes magic when we began using it to describe markers