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If I’ve offended you, please accept my apology. Then smack yourself in the face for getting offended by something on the Internet.
I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
Chuck Norris doesn`t flush the toilet...he just scare the sh!t out of it.
"Nothing is impossible." I disagree. I`m doing nothing right now... it`s totally possible.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers? I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those ... Wait ... Two. I have 2 kids.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses...
If it was the other way around, I doubt one cat would take in 23 old ladies.
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
Gift cards are still the best way to say "I`m too lazy to think of a good gift and I think you`ll buy drugs if I give you cash."
I think you people lied to me...exactly how much of this hair of the dog do I have to eat before this hangover goes away?
I`m pretty sure even Santa wishes they would stop playing Christmas music on the radio this time of year.
Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.
"You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like sh!t."
The human body is amazing... You breathe in oxygen and it converts it into sarcasm.
Don`t blame me, I was born awesome ;)