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My first mistake was thinking she couldn`t hit a moving target.
This salad is delicious, probably because it`s a donut.
Don`t ever forget.. I`m always here. A l w a y s. Scrolling. Judging. Judging. Scrolling. That`s right. I see everything.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son`s love, I sometimes think to myself, "This may be the worst prize ever."
What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?
A word of advice, stay on my good side. My good side is in Hawaii.
You know you`re up really late at night when you turn on ESPN and 2 white guys are boxing!
I’m not shy. I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
I used to think using big words meant you were smart, I was somewhat right but that was before I heard politicians speak.
I know there are some people we say were dropped on their heads as babies. But there are others that were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall & fell out the window.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says “haha good one” and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.
Excuse me sir, where do you keep the "Whoomp"? Oh, there it is.
The phrase “Ignore it and it will go away.” does NOT apply to being chased by a dozen cop cars.....trust me on this one.
The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad! And you said I`d never amount to anything...
I wonder if my neighbors are more tired of hearing my dog bark or me screaming at it to shut the f*ck up.