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Life is better when you can share it with a friend that has the same sick, twisted personality as yourself.
If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.
My talent is being wasted, if that counts as a talent.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
The coolest tourist attraction in the world is the Sistine Chapel, because it`s full of ceiling fans.
Whatever “Estimated Time of Arrival” on the GPS. Challenge accepted.
I feel so lazy.. Lazy as the guy who created the Japanese flag
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
People are like snowflakes. If you piss on them they go away.
People who get offended on the internet are the same people who take mini golf seriously.
Dear autocorrect: at no point have I ever meant “ducking.”
Fun thing to do #48: Spice up your food delivery order by ending the call with "And NO cops!"
Sometimes I wish there was a `Build-a-Girlfriend`.
If we`re in a situation where I am the "voice of reason," then we are in a very very bad situation.
If you have time to update your status as "very busy", then you obviously exaggerated.