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I`m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn`t incorporated into more American Holidays.
You know you are paranoid when you think this joke is about you.
An arranged marriage is just another way of saying that your parents helped you get laid.
My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can`t help but think that my days around here are numbered...
Girls are like roads, the more curves, the more dangerous they are.
i wish i could sleep ... but my damn A.D.D. kicks in and basically 1 sheep, 2 sheep, cow, turtle, duck, Ol McDonald had a farm, HEEEY Macerena.
There`s no way to gracefully remove a jacket while wearing a seatbelt...
Let`s be honest, Dos Equis. After a bunch of ANY beer, what guy DOESN`T think he`s the most interesting man in the world?
There are 2 kinds of people: 1) Happy morning people 2) Cranky morning people that fantasize about killing the happy morning people
How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the “For External Use Only” warning labels.
If I ever post something on Social media sites that`s not funny or clever, That just means someone hacked my account, Just Saying!
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent ... I would have to say it’s the kids.
When you`re a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
Getting a text from someone when I`m trying to Facebook is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.