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"we can still be friend" .. is like saying "The dog died, but we can still keep him"
Half the journey is knowing where you’re parked.
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn`t at work anymore.
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn`t for any religious reasons. They couldn`t find three wise men and a virgin.
In actuality, Batman is just a more violent and dark version of Inspector Gadget.
I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets???
Apparently "whiskey and wild women" is not an acceptable answer when asked what your weaknesses are during a job interview.
Dear middle finger: thank you for always sticking up for me.
When someone walks away from me shaking their head, I totally agree.
I try not to brag but I`m really quite good at Yoga. I`m not flexible or anything but I am a master of that "Empty Your Mind" part
I thought we had nothing in common until I saw you buying 3 margaritas at a time.
I can’t decide if the drinks are too weak or if my tolerance is too strong.
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective