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Roses are red, violets are blue. I lowered my standards, just for you.
It`s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn`t
Yes, I know why you pulled me over. I didn`t see you in your little hiding spot over there, so I couldn`t slow down in time.
"I have no idea. Why don`t you just Google it?" —My answer to just about every question I`m ever asked
I try not to laugh at my own jokes… but we all know I’m Hilarious.
The last time I touched a breast, it was in a KFC bucket.
"Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?" -chickens
Nascar would be so more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
If you`re already in the cop car, I really can`t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
A date with Destiny.. Cause strippers need lovin` too.
It’s getting really annoying how eating makes you gain weight..
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a normal pigeon.
These statuses are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.