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Targeted ads are trying to sell me a new mattress nowadays. With how much Google knows about me you`d think they`d cap themselves at something like $5 footlongs or stationary.
I`m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"
I wish I had my own private chauffeur. . . . Then I could really commit to being an alcoholic!
They say that when one door closes, another one opens. Apparently, "they" have never been to jail.
The key to eating healthy is to avoid any food that has a TV commercial.
I`m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and thats were I sleep...
I have found my sleep number and it is eleven, eleven beers.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
Everyone sends text like "good morning sunshine", so I texted "good morning solar eclipse" ... Yeah, don`t do that.
I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.
I`d totally order a salad bar. If it had lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, ketchup, mustard, hamburger and buns.
"Be yourself" is about the worst advice you can give some people.
I didn`t know until this week that so many people I know are politicians...