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Pepsi and Coke can`t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
FINALLY home from work! So, yea...if your phone number is on your profile...I will be drunk dialing you in about 30 minutes or so.
I`m a bitch ... What`s your excuse?
How long do I have to wear these skinny jeans before they start working?
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
why were you in my dreams again? i`m starting to think you`re stalking me.
It`s amazing how much us guys complain about women and then fully trust them with our pen!ses in their mouth.
Like a glow stick, sometimes we have to break before we shine.
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is my favorite story about how you will get treated like CRAP ... until you have something someone else needs
Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don`t realize how bad it is for their health.....until I`m choking them
Sometimes I zone out and forget what Iām supposed to be doing, and then I remember and take a drink of my beer.
People say I`m too patronising (that means I treat them as if they`re stupid).
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.