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If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it`s working.
WORST.... APOCALYPSE..... EVER.....
Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons!! Enjoy the day
Everyday I’m shoveling. – Winter 2014
The male version of a tramp stamp should be called a douche tag.
Soul mates are people with the mutual understanding that no one else will put up with their sh!t.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
FB friends, no one gives a ratsass what concerts you went to...
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn’t even eat them?
Whenever I`m feeling down... I try to make sure my nails are clipped.
I don’t think I get enough credit for doing everything I do while being unmedicated.
I got Mood Poisoning. Must have been something I hate.