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Maybe I`m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick: My girlfriend.
When you consider names for your baby, it`s important to try out the middle name in an angry voice.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER... USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN...
I always say "morning" instead of "good morning". If it were a good morning I`d still be in bed instead of talking to people.
“Grandbrother” sounds much cooler than uncle.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy but sometimes I let her sleep instead..
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Spice up your Facebook experience by making your status updates your google searches.
After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it`s worth.
I`m not opposed to manscaping, but I don`t see the point of cutting the grass until somebody takes interest in the property.
Is food porn star a thing yet??
Some people are grateful for the impact you made in their life…. It’s not me, I think you’re a pr!ck.
I have a confession to make... "I want to get back with my ex"...LOL Just Kidding..."I`d rather shit in my hands and clap !"