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Sometimes my neighbors love my music so much that they invite the police to listen.
The irony of social media is that the majority of users are all alone.
I usually don`t argue with the doctor but I don`t think "Batshit Crazy" is a legitimate medical term.
When you write misspelled backwards it`s misspelled.
FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.
This beer tastes like future mistakes.
One person forgetting to take their medication can really liven up a mundane day at the office.
I`m not fat, God gave me built in airbags because I`m so precious.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Ladies: if you argue with your man naked, you will win every single time.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is “act natural, you’re innocent”.
Keep it down kids!.. Daddy is trying to think of something stupid to say on the internet.
Cats would be even more stuck up if they knew how much the internet loves them.
My method of going "offline" in FB chat is to just ignore you.