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It hurts to be in love. Oh wait, I`m sitting on my keys.
You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.
Redneck word of the day : Asphalt. It`s your own dumb asphalt !!
Teens today have it so easy. We didn`t have self-checkout lanes when we bought condoms.
I`m one more bottle of wine away from starting a blog.
Game of Thrones characters should have to wear jerseys with their names on the back
Leaving your window open for an hour and the cast from f*cking Bugs Life decided to start producing their second movie.
Just knowing that I have successfully pissed you off again makes my day.
Think of a number between 0 and 20. Add 40 to it. Multiply by 2. Subtract 3. Now close your eyes.... It`s dark isn`t it.
There are a lot of side effects to smoking weed. Like never shutting up about the fact that you smoke weed.
Saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as “grabbing for swirling dollars inside a plexiglas Cash Cube.”
? Single ? Taken ? Depends on who`s asking.
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it`s an intervention.
The beeping noise from microwave is always 100x’s louder at night.
A woman’s anger is like a check engine light; there’s no pleasant way to determine what caused it, so just ignore it and hope it goes away.