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Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
I swear I heard my dentist whisper "yolo" as he reached for a chisel...
I`m sticking to my guns ... I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
The biggest problem with two-faced people is, never knowing which face to slap first.
Pet stores should post "Chameleon" on empty reptile cages just to see how long people would stand and look.
I bet you 20 dollas I`m broke
If you can read this please let me know – because it means I blocked the wrong person.
They should make an app that tells me how many Oreos I can eat for every mile I jog.
There could be a ghost aggressively breakdancing next to you right now, and you`d have no Idea...
You`re never too old to be spanked ...If you play your cards right.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially since his name is Mike.
So can we just skip to summer now?
That mind-blowing moment when you realize chores were really the crap your parents didn’t want to do.
It`s hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars.
My goal in life: Build a time machine and travel forward into the future until I can stop and ask someone "Do you know what `buffering` is?" and they are clueless.