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If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes.
I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...well you know...Oreos.
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, eventually there will be a country song about how your truck left you too.
Every pizza is a personal pizza, if you try hard and believe in yourself.
People I hate are not allowed to be funny.
I`ll bet Amish people look forward to Thanksgiving since it`s the only time their clothes look festive.
Say no to drugs! Then again, if you`re talking to drugs, you`re probably already on drugs.
I`ve been working on losing weight, I was doing Jenny Craig for awhile........till her husband found out (<>..<>)
A recent survey has shown that 50% of all newlyweds want to try anal sex. Or to put it another way, 100% of grooms.
I don`t have a drinking problem ... I`m just really thirsty.
I like to go to the bathroom with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
I saw Tom Hanks and asked for his autograph. He abbreviated it, and it just said "Thanks"
I find myself highly addicted to books as of late. Once I start coloring the first few pages I can`t stop....
Just signed a $320,000, nine year deal with my therapist.
Sometimes when Iām feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.