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Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
Sometimes I miss being in a relationship, but then I look at my wallet and I feel alright again.
I`d love to have a sex change. Preferably from `none` to `absolutely sh!tloads`.
Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can’t tell anyone about.
Everyone has a purpose in life ... Perhaps mine is finding things to bitch about.
Does anyone have like twenty thousand dollars they don’t want? Asking for myself.
It`s not often you see a pink poo in your bowl & realize that not everything is edible from the sex shop
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
Today I am thankful that I don`t post what I am thankful for on Facebook, every day in November. Or ever.
Watch out! It’s quite possible some of my best mistakes haven’t been made yet.
Trying to get in shape for all those people I`m not having sex with.
I am not real pumped up about the Super Bowl this year!
I`m in no shape to exercise patience!
I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces at the pond today.
The best thing about my phone screen shattering is that it now matches my dreams and aspirations.