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Turns out that my get rich painfully slow scheme isn`t working out either.
Spilling a full beer you paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.
I ran out of coffee this morning, whisky seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
When someone says “you’re the best,” just know that it’s not really true because I’m the best.
How do people rap? I can’t even talk without messing it up.
Ever wonder why divorces are expensive? Because they are worth it!
I’m the king of balancing more trash on top of an already full trash can.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
I fell asleep at the wheel smh, time to turn Mario Kart off and go to bed.
I can tell by your boobs that you`ve never seen a bar tab.
When people see ghosts, why aren`t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Spiderman is just another guy who ends up with sticky hands and covered in white stuff after being on the web.
Sign in a grocery store: Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!
Why do people at home on TV have their pants on?
If I get a million likes on Facebook......not a damn thing will change.