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I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it.
I just realized there are more toes in the world than people
This beer tastes like future mistakes.
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
Its hotter than a three peckered billy goat!
Sorry, I didn’t get your message because I deleted it without listening.
Thank God you`ve updated your status to "Finished lunch" after you first posted "Going to lunch" I really couldn`t tolerate more suspense.
It really freaks me out that I have a skeleton living inside me......
If you’re happy and you know it, you’re probably exhausting to be around.
If the shoe fits . . . buy one in every color
Friends don’t let friends twerk.
If the shoe fits, shove it further up their a$$
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Some people are just beautifully wrapped boxes of crap.
That awkward moment when you are killing it on Mario Kart & then realize you are looking at the wrong side of the screen.