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The patience I have for my kids is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I`m camping, I won`t be covered.
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren’t there Starbucks pumpkin spice latte trucks in the winter?
Be honest, you haven’t even walked a mile in your own shoes.
If your camel toe looks like a elephants hoof, you might want to rethink the yoga pants.
I’ve never had angry sex. I’m always happy and quite surprised that it is actually happening.
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? ;)
Think about the nicest thing anyone`s ever said about you. Not really true, right?
I really can’t kick ass, but I’m super good at taking names!
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
If you`re sick and tired of every Asshole on Facebook asking you to copy and paste stuff as your status, please copy and paste this as your status.
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who`s not interested.
According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid...
I would want to change my name to `Nobody` on Facebook. So when someone updates something stupid it says `Nobody likes this`