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Yes we`re friends on facebook but that`s where it ends, stop trying to talk to me in real life... mom
I have a land line just so that I still have the option to slam the phone down when I angrily hang up on someone.
My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I`d go to hell for.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What`s your point?
Helpful Tip : Never ask the cop to hold your beer while you dig out your drivers license.
Can you do me a favour? Stand in front of my car, I need to test my brakes.
Sorry I said "What is it?" when you showed me your baby.
I used to be a kleptomaniac but now I take something for it.
Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I knew she was about to say something intelligent because she began with, "You once told me..."
I just thought you should know, I just did all the laundry and didn`t lose a sock to the dryer monster...
Being fabulous all day makes me really, really tired.
I`ve just been watching a documentary on marijuana...... I think all documentaries should be watched this way.