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The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
If sex is said to be the best exercise, than why are there no fitness clubs for that. Now there`s idea. . .
If my smartphone was so smart, then why it can`t do my math homework
You’d think with as much time women spend looking at their ass in the mirror, they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
Sometimes I wanna copy someone´s status word for word and see if they notice.
I`m now at the age where if I see a nice nursing home, I make a mental note of it.
Sarcasm and orgasm. Two things most people don`t get. Those who do are smiling right now.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I`ll have to turn to Facebook.
I don’t trust public opinion polls because they don’t take into consideration the fact that the public is made up of mostly idiots.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny sh!t.
According to WebMD I have déjà vu... but not only that, I also have déjà vu according to WebMD.
I bet heroin addicts can open a Capri sun on the first try.
I just finish reading "50 shades of gray" by Sherwin Williams. I don`t see what all the hype is about these paint brochures.