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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
Just got a message that said "Hey, I tried to call you"...that`s your problem right there....you should have never tried that.
Somehow, we`ve got to find a way to STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
SPOILER ALERT for "Finding Bigfoot" TV show - they don`t find him. Again.
I’ve made some pretty bad choices in life but I have to admit, having orange juice with Oreos was the worst.
Do you ever wonder how many people’s dreams you have been in?
How can it be considered stealing when the WiFi signal is trespassing in my house?
This week is the 40th anniversary of the Rubik`s Cube. If you kids don`t know what a Rubik`s Cube is, it`s what people would stare at without human interaction before cellphones. Mel
I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It`s stopped twerking.
Beer is the answer...but I can`t remember the question.
I AM doing something with my life. It’s called screwing around.
I am a very very very bad influence ... In a good way.
Now they are saying that the Zika virus is sexually transmittable. What kind of pervert is having sex with a mosquito?