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The women at this gym act like nobody’s ever tried taking their measurements before.
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?
It’s embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn’t sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
The most terrifying thing a woman can say to me is "notice anything different?"
If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
I add "Drink Beer" to my weekend to-do list so I know I`ll at least get one thing done.
I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations.
Why do I get the feeling that a lot of adults nowadays who ask kids "What do you want to be when you grow up?" are just trying to come up with some ideas?
It`s normally a combination of things that cause bad decisions. The tequila, lime, salt combination is the most common.
Make BIG mistakes in life. Those people are remembered forever. On Youtube.
When someone says "everything happens for a reason" I`d like to smack them and say "yeah, I guess you`re right"
Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls through, taking it`s time and getting to know each one of us personally.
When you are a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
I took two years of Spanish in high school, so ordering off the Taco Bell menu is super easy for me.