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I told you I was trouble. You should have listened to me instead of staring at my boobs.
My phone just changed, `calendar` to `cake radar` and now I really wish I had that.
Every parent’s superpower is the ability to communicate “I love you!” and “I will kill you!” with a single look.
just read a list of "the 100 things to do before you die." I´m pretty surprised "yell for help" wasn´t one of them.
Do you know what’d look good on you? Me
Did you ever stop to think that maybe vodka is addicted to ME?
When I go to the gas station I always get two kinds of drinks so it appears I actually have a friend..I think they`re catching on though.
I feel it`s important for you to know, no matter what I`m faced with and when given the option, I am that guy who will send you a voice-mail marked confidential.
No matter how old you are, If a little kid shoots you with a toy gun, you pretend to die.
Cheer Up. Right now, somebody, somewhere, is thinking about you naked.
People born in 1994-1999 have lived in three decades, two centuries, and two millenniums. & they are not even 18 yet.
I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge
Apple is looking to expand its market share among Latinos. No word yet on the release date of their newest device, the iCaramba.
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.
Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.