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Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it’s only Thursday.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes a great Subway sandwich.
I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he ended up fixing the washing machine after all.
If I had known "cuties" were little oranges when my wife asked me to "bring a few home," I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
You are living proof that the Lord is testing me.
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."
Guys would stay home longer if boobs came in a 30 pack.
I really like ceilings,.. I guess you could call me a ceiling fan.
If you loose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
It`s damn funny when a wife think`s she`s punishing her husband by not talking to him for days..
I want to lose weight, but I don`t want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams.
A real friend is someone who knows how damn crazy you are... But is still willing to be seen out in public with you.
I get butterflies in my stomach every time I eat butterflies.
The early bird gets the worm! So does the late bird. They all get worms all the time; there`s tons of those things. Relax, there will always be a lota worms......