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"I`m on my way." -People who haven`t even left the house yet.
Trying to figure out why I joined the gym when I have Photoshop.
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present, they are due back at the library today.
He said the spark between us was gone..so I tasered him..... Ill ask him again when he wakes up
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if it at least moved a vacuum around the floors once a week.
After four centuries, the semicolon has finally achieved it`s true calling: helping people wink online.
Everything I like is expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back.
How do nudist clean their glasses?
Do I misuse contractions? Yes, but it`s what it`s.
Sometimes, even I`m afraid of the things my mind comes up with.
"There`s more than one way to skin a cat." -Chinese restaurant proverb
i used to like you but thanks to facebook i now know how boring u are
Abstinence makes the arm grow stronger ... at least one of them anyway.