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I gotta ask you a sirius question....do you know the muffen man
In sign language, arthritis is a speech impediment.
I don`t understand why people go to the gym all the time... everything there`s so heavy.
I am not bossy, I just know how to do things the right way.
I hate it when I don`t forward a chain letter and I die the next day.
When I find it, I don’t need it. When I need it, I can’t find it…
My wife went home to visit her mother today. Or as I refer to it. Her “bitch refresher course”.
If you can’t be a good example, then you’l just have to serve as a horrible warning
I can`t wait to get all liquored up, and then go door-to-door to sing some Christmas Carols when it starts to warm up in April...
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn`t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
Me on New Years Eve: “I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.”
Sometimes you have to photoshop your life. Touch up edges, adjust the tones, blur the background, focus on yourself & crop some people out.
Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for "Race," I add a question mark and then write, "Anytime. Anywhere."
I remembered my wedding anniversary today. It was last week.
Chillin: the art of doing nothing without being bored.