Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet ... I get hungry.
says, I am not an alcoholic. I am a social drinker. Problem is, I socialize too much!
Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
I`m introducing a new calendar system: B.C. = Before Children. A.D. = After Divorce.
I’ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.
I got kicked out of the public swimming pool today. Apparently the `Breast Stroke` wasn`t what I thought it was.
I`m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behavior
I can’t prove this, but I swear I used to be smarter, funnier, and less tired
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there`s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Today I caught myself smiling ... I was thinking of you ... Don´t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
Did you know dryer sheets double as toilet paper and leave your a$$ smelling like meadows and rain drops?
Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?
They say 1 minute of kissing burns 26 calories. No wonder sluts are so damn skinny.