Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I`m actually a pretty normal person when you ignore the faint cries for help coming from my basement..
According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, You`re actually a few million years late. That star is dead, just like your dreams.
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it!
In light of recent events, I have no choice but to deduct a full star from my Yelp review of Earth.
How about putting that screaming kid on vibrate
Every now and then when I`m in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you`re listening". If I`m wrong, nobody knows. If I`m right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.
I don`t care how much you like the soap. Never leave a public restroom smelling your fingers.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I saw something that reminded me of you.. so I flushed the toilet and washed my hands(:
Working in retail has taught me that the customer is always right. At least while they`re in earshot...
I wanted to book an Elvis impersonator for a party so I phoned them up and got a call centre. It said `press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.`
To settle an argument, think about why you are wrong and why she has boobs.
Iām trying to read a book about how to relax, but I keep falling asleep
Someone smells like cigarettes and bad decisions.......Oh it`s me? Sorry about that.
If you think husbands aren`t good listeners, whisper "Come here, I`m naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.