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10 years from now: “Dad, how did you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic…so I had to friend request that.”
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It`s their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd.
I`m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I`ve given the bird to lots of people today.
My wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can`t see the mailbox when she`s backing up?
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
I think "Don`t Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills....
Thanks for calling me to tell me you just sent that email
Why is the jolly Green giant so damn jolly
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little Lamb. Maybe she wasn`t that hungry.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Call me old school, but I think your shorts should be longer than your private parts.
Card on top of gift reads `I want you wearing this tonight` only to open the gift to find NOTHING