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Anyone who says "Let`s all put our phones down and talk with each other," is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Out of all the lies I`ve ever told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
I can`t even tell what this thing in my fridge use to be.
I wish I could use Shazam to identify people when I cant remember their name.
200 pictures of you at the bar and 2 pictures with your kids. You must be quite the mom.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I`ve only done that with pizza
If Eve sacraficed the whole human race for Apple, I wonder what she would have done for a Klondike Bar?
May your life one day be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
To a musician, a g-string means something completely different than it does to me. .
Silence is Golden, but telling some people to go f*ck themselves is PRICELESS...!
I`m painting a blue square in the backyard... so Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
I say the things better left unsaid.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.