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Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
I`m just here until I can make day drinking a full time job
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication
On the outside, I`m smiling...because on the inside, I`m imagining beating you senseless with Hulk Smash Hands.
FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don’t eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What`s your point?
Changing a whole text message just because you didn`t know how to spell one word?
All I want is some ketchup packets placed in the bag, without having to ask!
It`s been rough today, right now I`m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
I don`t get why girls get so offended by sexist jokes..I think they are just ovary-acting. Seriously..
I bet if we all threw our problems into a big pile, we’d see everyone else’s and scramble to get ours back.
I threw a shotgun shell at my daughter`s date. ..then I told him it`s much faster after 11pm
You want me to smile? How can I smile when 28% of Americans aren`t getting enough fiber?
Finding a needle in a haystack is quite easy if you just set the hay on fire.
Ice skating is just walking in cursive.