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Everyone around me keeps telling me I`m mean ... Which is absurd ... Plus, they`re ugly.
I joined weight watchers last month, so far I lost 38 dollars...
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
I got a letter from my crush on Valentine`s Day. Well, technically it`s a restraining order but still....
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won´t spoil me.
I’m sad when my food is over.
My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded.
Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out
I wish I can start a new diet, but there`s a bunch of old diets I haven`t finish.
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It`s like a tattoo that yells at you.
just keep scrolling nothing to see hear
First Ebola case in USA , and the Walking Dead starts next week... brb gonna go buy a crossbow.
Seriousley.. The cuntestents in the 2013 speling beee contast hafe too now no the meening of the werd thay hafe been axed too spell. I coud rock that contast so eesy :))))) eg. The meening of "Easy". Anser: a kids oven
Elevators are so stupid. They have a button for the floor I`m already on.
If Santa’s helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?