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My girlfriend wanted me to show her a good time, so I showed her pictures of me before we met.
Miracle Whip is a bit of an exaggeration if you ask me.
I`ve never been skydiving, but I`ve zoomed in on Google Earth really, really fast.
30+ and single? There`s an app for that. Wait. My mistake. A cat for that.
I have 500 friends and only 499 Birthday wishes on facebook! I`ll remember that when it`s YOUR birthday #405!!!
joined a nudist colony last week ... the first few days were the hardest!
Why do people ask "What were you thinking?" Obviouly, I thought I was going to get away with it!
Be nice to nerds. You`ll probably be working for them one day
An ex asking to stay friends after you break up is like a kidnapper asking to stay in touch after they let you go.
Gotta admire people who drive with one hand holding on to a mattress tied to the roof.
Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, that chicken had to be somewhere between 7` to 10` tall.
12 year olds having sex ? Im sorry when i was 12 i was to afraid to pull my foreskin back incase my d*ck fell out.
Babies are really cute until you meet one that`s not a picture.
How do you make your wife scream during sex?? Call her and tell her about it.
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"