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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God or man has rested.
A dog running a hundred miles to retrieve a stick? That`s pretty far-fetched.
FYI: Push-up bras don`t actually help you do more push-ups :(
Turns out people who say they love hot sauce on anything are liars. In other news, I`ve recently been banned from making the classroom coffee.
No pants are the best pants.
Someday, somewhere, somehow I’m going to do something.
Here`s a crazy concept, maybe I`m not in a bad mood, angry, or a bitch. Maybe I said it because it`s true and I meant it. Marinate on that.
Please pray for the people still playing Farmville on Facebook.
Based on commercials, every single car has won car of the year.
I don’t love being single but I do love being happy.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
I`m paying my taxes with a smile, but they wrote me back saying they want cash.
Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it`s none of my damn business.
Guy on plane: So, where are you going? Me: I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.