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I`m starting to think that life isn`t worth living anymore and... Oh wait, there`s the bartender now. Nevermind.
I love how people say they`re "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
"I guess you`re right." - No one on the internet ever
I try to live every day as though it were my last, and who wants to do laundry on the last day they’re alive?
I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals
Does anyone else make transformer noises when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I always stip to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porn starts off.
When will math grow up and start solving its own problems
I really just need a vodka cranberry and a slap on the a$$. Hold the cranberry.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
you know you have a kid personality when you think step brothers is the greatest movie ever.
Irresponsible is when your neighbor doesn`t pay their wifi bill.
If the Sahara Desert had a motto it would be "Long time, no sea."
I just had Déjà vu...and you were an asshole both times.
I fight evil wherever it may be ... except in dark, scary places.