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If I were a cashier I`d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
The only people who care about my college degree are the college loan people.
Please don’t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I’m awesome doesn’t mean I like you.
Why do they call it "hiring a hitman" and not "ordering takeout"
I would like to be a Disney Princess...You know, where I have random animals showing up to help with the housework!
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
I liked you a lot more before I met you.
Life is simple. Eat. Sleep. Update Facebook status.
Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there`s an idiot pulling a door that says "PUSH"..
Exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors. - Jehovah`s Fitness.
Kinda like Facebook, I wish I could ‘hide’ people in real life.
I usually want to post intelligent and witty comments. But I end up posting stupid and funny ones so my friends can understand them.
in wine there is wisdom. in beer there is freedom. in water there is... umm bacteria
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right!!!!
Nothing says you mean business more than putting on a bib before you eat a girl out