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If I won the lottery, I could make a whole lotta people miserable
These ramen noodles taste like payday is next Friday.
When I bang my toe against something, it’s like I pressed a button that plays every curse word I know.
Guns don`t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
The worst part of being naked is not having pockets.
I just let my mind wander, but it didn’t come back yet.
When ever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth and drink all the rum inside. It seems to help.
I checked my calendar, and I won`t give a f*ck tomorrow either.
I was going to get a lot of stuff done tonight, but I didn`t. Because, you know...beer.
I hope someone drives slightly slower in front of you on a crowded highway and you can’t pass.
Next time you see someone you don`t like, begin conversation with "I see the assassins have failed."
I`m putting more thought into my Halloween costume than into my job.
My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.
Life is funnier when you have a dirty mind. ;)
The only hunger games i care about involve plastic hippos.