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People assume when I yawn that I`ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I`ve ever made.
They should make a medal for anyone who uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it.
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
My 6yo`s homework today is learning how to count backwards. Yep, that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Here`s a list of helpful tips for meeting a great girl: 1. Don`t be me.
I love this oscillating fan, 5 out of every 15 seconds.
"How many people work at your company?" About half of them.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "lottery winner".
There`s a lot of perks being a single parent, for one no witnesses.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
next time you`re at a movie point at the screen when a scene with extras are on and say to your buddy "look, there i am!" and see how many people look over at you in awe.
Organized people are just to lazy to look for things.
Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard.
If i had a dollar for everytime i was thinking about you, i would start thinking about you.