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I got drunk last night and watched the most hilarious television show for hours until I sobered up and realized it was just a mirror.
I`ve done a lot of things over the years ... But acting normal has never been one of them.
I love long legs.... Long sexy legs..... But not on a Spider, I hate long sexy legs on a Spider.
Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
Why does the alphabet need to be in order anyway
Please don`t post that political joke you just came up with. . . it really wasn`t that funny to begin with. Thanks for understanding. -the rest of us
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old...
Ever update an app and realize the "fixed issues" were all a lie and it will never be the same? That`s what going back to an ex is like.
I always stip to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porn starts off.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
May your life be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
Someday, the time I waste deciding what to watch on Netflix will be shorter than the actual time watching it
Yes, I streaked once on a dare ... all the rest of the times though were just for fun
I hate waiting until I`m dead. I want to haunt people now dammit.
My misery likes tequila, not company.