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The Wizard of Oz is really just a cautionary tale about the lengths a woman will go to for the right shoes.
They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.
Sleep feels the way pizza tastes.
went to see the conjuring, and now there`s 10 crosses, four bibles, and a poster of Chuck Norris in my room.
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speakerphone.
One does not simply log out of their friend`s facebook account without making them gay.
Who picks up a seeing eye dogs poop?
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.
Word to the wise - make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an a$$hole.
The best part of winter coming is that all the bugs are rotting in hell where they belong.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce? Well, I`m guessing it`s because the other fifty percent can`t afford lawyers.
She lost me at, "I don`t watch football."
Judging by the commercials, only old white guys with sailboats can suffer from erectile dysfunction.
A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.
"I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.