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*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
I go to McDonald`s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.
I bought some shoes of a drug dealer, I don`t know what he laced them with but I`ve been tripping all day.
You know it`s good advice, when your still confused afterwards.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way.
I have been snoring a lot lately and apparently my coworkers find it distracting
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
My internet is so slow, it`s just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them in person.
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office – I will track you down. You have my Word.
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
Every girl is beautiful, sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it....
When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.
I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.