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I just called. To say. I texted you.
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
My resolution for the New Year is to find more situations where it`s acceptable to wear a bathrobe out in public
Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a man to the moon. ...We launch a bird into pigs!
I bet Waldo`s parents are worried sick.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
You can tell a lot from a woman by her hands. For instance, if they`re placed around your throat she`s probably slightly upset.
These peopele at the gym are looking at me like they expect me to share my donuts ... SMH
8 more days and I will finally get rid of last years Halloween candy.
"I don`t trust you to not buy drugs" -people who give gift cards
Im 6`1", blue eyes, light brown hair, fit, own my own compa......oh crap, wrong website, sorry.
I hate when I oversleep at work and get home late.
With all the botched executions lately, it has been suggested that we bring back the guillotine. But if we do that I`m sure heads will roll.
If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.