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Not sure what`s longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
I`ve had like 10 red bulls, so of course I`m vacuuming the front yard.
I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
facebook cuz am too old to have imaginery friends
I would like to say to all my 500+ facebook friends, that i love each and every one of you..except you number 371..your a real a@@hole!!
Unless you discovered a dead body, I don`t want to hear about your morning jog.
That moment you realize that the person who proofread Hitler`s speeches was indeed a Grammar Nazi.
I hate when I text a girl "I love you" and she`s like "no you don`t." Like bitch, I just fapped to your profile picture, I think I`d know.
Why do some people call it a "tuna-fish" sandwich? It`s not like anyone calls it a "chicken-bird" sandwich.
In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on
I do marathons ... on Netflix.
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
The one thing you can always count on is your fingers.
Describe yourself in 3 words". "Not good at following instructions"
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village has one.