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Advantage #46 of being single. I have entire closets that are completely empty.
I changed the audio of my GPS to a man`s voice. Now it just says "It`s around here somewhere. Keep driving for a little while."
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some sh!t.
Has anyone EVER checked to see how the room or wall behind them looks before taking and posting 50 selfies?!
I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting
Marriage is like friends without benefits.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you`re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
If it wasn’t for profanity, I wouldn’t be a pro at anything.
If I get an e-mail from you that says "Sent from my Blackberry" at the bottom, please understand that I`m not going to respond. I can only assume that you sent it in 2006.
Families should be able to trade people, just like professional sports teams.
Here’s your social security card. It’s paper & has to last you forever. Don’t laminate it. Good luck! -The Government
I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
Don´t you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn´t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop.
Too many people complain about their looks, but not nearly enough complain about their brains.