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Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
3 shots of vodka can erase 8 hours of rage in 15 minutes. That’s all the math you really need to know.
OK. Who decided to call it "possession of marijuana" and not "joint custody"?
My doctor said he`s been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?
My advice for pretty much anything that`s broken is "did you try and jiggle it?".
How do people rap? I can’t even talk without messing it up.
Actually I don`t think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.
You should never lie through your teeth. Open your mouth and speak properly.
If at first you don`t succeed ... run them over
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they take things so literally.
Did you ever stop to think that maybe vodka is addicted to ME?
At Starbucks drive up window. Me: large iced chai please Them: you mean a venti? Me: large iced chai. Them: we call a large a venti. Me: Do you want a large tip or a venti tip? Them: large iced chai, please pull up.
Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money`s worth...Just saying.
Don`t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.
Today I am thankful for my family....and this 5th of vodka that helps me deal with them.