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Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
Funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers a day seems so easy
It`s a good thing farting isn`t as contagious as yawning.
Currently helping my girlfriend look for her chocolates that I ate 5 hours ago...
Please accept this bundle of fragrant plants grown expressly to be killed while in their prime as a token of my love for you.
I don`t know if I should tip the bathroom attendant, or charge for letting him watch...
This weekends forecast shows a 0% chance of cooking or cleaning, with a good chance of laying around in my pajamas.
Iām not brave. Iām just past the age where running is an option.
Asking a girl what exactly she looks for in a guy is like asking her "what exactly do I have to do to get friendzoned?
Why is the guy who serves you at the restaurant called a waiter, when it is you that is waiting?
Bored, so Iām going to find a kid that looks like me and tell him Iām him from the future.
Why isn`t cat food made from birds, mice and squirrels??
I woke up early this morning with the strange desire to get up and exercise. Fortunately I rolled over and closed my eyes really tight and the feeling went away.
at my age, the best part of waking up is the fact that I did wake up
Putting ketchup on steak should also affect your credit score.