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i want a cute boy to let me hold his hand and his credit card
10 REASONS WHY I`M LAZY... you know what? Never mind. I can do this later.
I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine`s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
+ if you wish you could record your dreams.
if you hold a dinner fork really close to your eyes, you can pretend that they`re in jail
There`s a special place in hell reserved for the guy that decided what time McDonalds beakfast ends.
45 minutes on the treadmill is no big deal if you don`t turn it on
The monent of triumph when your bag is the first off the plane.
The one thing you never wanna hear when your father catches you watching porn is... "Scoot over."
If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you.
If you ever feel sad remember that there’s a number you can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes.
Some days the only thought that stops me from being Dexter...is that I am WAY too pretty to go to prison
Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don`t serve breakfast?
A stress ball, made of concrete, and to throw at the person who`s stressing you out.