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My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...
On the bright side, I`m relieved we live in a society where we acknowledge that the people who make sandwiches are artists.
The only dates I get are updates.
One would have to assume that Amish chicks carve their own sex toys.
Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%
I like to pee on car windows in subzero weather, happy scraping
I bet if you were in a city getting attacked by huge sci-fi monsters youd run and scream but in the back of your mind youd be like “awesome”
Did I ever tell you about my old girlfriend? The one with the "Lazy Eye"? I had to break up with her, she was seeing somebody on the side..........................
Before you judge me, know that I don`t give a crap. Ok, go ahead.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I`m going to get tonight.
We didn`t take a video recording of our child`s birth but we have some awesome video of his conception.
Somewhere, right now.. One of my Facebook friends is already drunk!
If you ring my door bell you better be the pizza guy or a sexy naked lady ... with a pizza.
When your wife says she needs a new broom it`s best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.
You`re annoying, but honestly, I`ve been annoyed by better.