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I accidentally lit the wrong end of a cigarette-that can`t be healthy!
Just once I`d like to yell, "Don`t you know who I am?!" because I`m important, not because I`m drunk and actually forgot.
Mosquito (noun) - Mother Nature`s way of getting you to slap yourself.
Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that...
Person: You`re blocking the view. Me: B!tch, I am the view!
We could learn a lot from our dogs.... If you can`t eat it or play with it, then pee on it and walk away
Go through a fast food drive thru. When they repeat your order back to you, say "And can I get that to go?" and enjoy the confused silence.
should probably get my daily dose of calcium.. white russians it is
Own the day
If video games have taught me anything, it`s that you`ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss.
My hearing is fine. There`s no need to repeat yourself! I ignored you perfectly well the first time.
I`m no cactus expert, but I know a pr!ck when I see one
If it wasn`t for claustrophobia, lack of intelligence, and my intense fear of floating poop, I would`ve made a great astronaut.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets??
*Baby on board* Oh really? Thanks for letting me know, I was about to ram into your car, but now I won’t.