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Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today. I didn`t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
The only time I want to hear about your baby is when you tell me it ain`t mine.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Sometimes my kid likes me, but I`m pretty sure it`s only because I`m his Oreo dealer.
My favorite drink is the fullest one on the table.
I would like to be a Disney Princess...You know, where I have random animals showing up to help with the housework!
Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don`t think of until too late
Y`all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I will resolve to spend less time on Facebook..............ok, got that one out of the way.....................
Don`t be that guy that goes around saying "Don`t Be That Guy."
Man I love watching women`s curling in the Olympics. It`s the only time I get to drink beer while cheering on women sweeping and no one slaps me.
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.
Remembering to remember is always the first thing I forget.
I can`t wait to miss the upcoming season of American Idol.
It’s not my fault God gave you boobs to stare at.