Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, hey you, I love you so much, I`m gonna get the government involved so you can`t leave.
If you knew what I considered to be my "best behavior" it`s doubtful you`d advise me to be "on it".
Netflix doesn’t care if u showered or not
Gift cards: The best way to say "Here, you figure it out..."
So Monday and Tuesday sucked. But, with the right mix of caffeine, alcohol and mushrooms, Wednesday doesn´t even have to happen at all.
Big deal, Times Square, I drop the ball at least twice a week.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it’s AM. Google thinks I’ve got my life together.
I swear if my memory gets any worse, i`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
It’s never too late for a coffee. After all it’s always morning somewhere in the world.
Tip of the day: Don`t piss off anyone who has unlimited access to your toothbrush.
Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?
I own a shop selling `CLOSED` signs. We haven`t had a single customer today.
I hate driving so much that I even ring for taxis on grand theft auto.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna` be a great day.
Her: Do you want to run away with me? ME: We won`t actually be running, right?