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Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke breaks a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
Ladys have it easy, if they ever do start to loose an argument they can just start playing with their boobs
It`s hard to diet when your favorite exercise is chewing...
A vegan friend on FB said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn`t eat meat... I think if he had to build his own computer he couldn`t whine on FB.
Nice try, St. Patrick`s Day, but I don`t need a reason to drink.
Smile. Your enemies hate it.
It`s so expensive being a woman. I know because I have financed a few.
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate.
why do people with bad teeth always have a smile on there face
Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade`s gonna suck!
You know why it`s called almond milk? Cuz you can`t say nut juice with a straight face
The best thing about the internet is knowledge. You have all this knowledge at your fingertips! And we get to share what we learn with others! Oh...wait a second. I forgot about porn. OK I take it back. PORN is the best thing about the internet!
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.