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I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights. Just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he’s getting hit by a
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Sorry I kept stopping erratically. I was pumping SCREW YOU in Morse Code with my brake lights.
The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
I`m an animal in bed. More specifically a koala. I can sleep for 22 hours a day.
I wish Noah would have swatted those two mosquitoes.
Feeding my kid cold pizza. They will be off to college soon and preparation is the key to success.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don`t know the man & he doesn`t know you`re eating his popcorn
I HATE it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. ..For the FIFTH time, I do not want to go to your cat`s birthday party. Damn it! ..My dog is getting married
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there’s some millionaire walking around who invented the Pool Noodle.
Coffee gives me the illusion I`m actually awake
U.S.A.... where people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke
Found a note on my door today that said ”You’re Awesome!” ... Yes, I wrote it yesturday. But still, the truth is the truth.
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses. The stables have turned.