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Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
I am currently watching the Holy Grail of horror movies. There are 10 minutes left and the black guy is still alive.
Go through a fast food drive thru. When they repeat your order back to you, say "And can I get that to go?" and enjoy the confused silence.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps
I was just chatting with my cat about how being lonely can make a person crazy.
This Pokemon Go crap is getting ridiculous. I just saw a fight breakout between the pokebloods and the pokecrips.
"keep moving.....nothing to see here"
Every Chrysler commercial should begin with them apologizing for the PT Cruiser.
Would you mind going with me to my next Psychologist appointment? He thinks I`m making you up.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it`s fun to push things down the stairs.
My Life Alert bracelet says.....: I`m Just Napping
There are two rules to success in life - 1. Don`t tell people everything you know
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.
When your Dr. says "I`ll need to Google that"..... it`s time to change Doctors
Never do anything for money. Unless it’s a lot of money. Then do anything.