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According to my nipples, summer is over
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.
I always tell new hires, don`t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you`re ass
Lucky Charms should be 98% Marshmallows and 2% of that other sh*t.
I used to care what you thought of me, then I remembered what I thought of you.
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
I`m getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…”Lose weight now” …”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.
Day 1. I am thankful that I haven`t fallen into the trap of Facebook thankful status updates.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Tell a girl she pretty she`ll believe it for a minute. Tell a girl she has Miley Cyrus` butt she`ll believe it for a lifetime
Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status... After 3 it should default to "Unstable"
If a girl picks an iron in monopoly you know she`s a keeper
In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish.
I’m off for a quiet beer. Followed by fourteen noisy ones.
The club sandwich, for when a knuckle sandwich just isn`t enough...