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People assume when I yawn that I`ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
All bad decisions are ultimately made using the same piece of resounding logic: “Screw it.”
18 is TOO young to get married! You can`t even buy booze at 18! If you can`t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Remember to make some bad decisions today. 20 years from now that’s all you’ll have to make your kids think you’re cool.
I was reading that it takes the average man four minutes to have sex, and he’s asleep eight minutes after that. This sounds very dangerous, because by then most men are driving home.
I have a kid in Africa I inoculate, feed, clothe and send to school for only $1 day. It cost a lot to send him over there though.
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good.
Most problems can be solved with nudity.
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says “trust me, you don’t want to know.”
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don`t have to share.
What I lack in sex appeal I make up in staying home and drinking.
It`s always darkest before the dawn. So if you`re going steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s be the time to do it.
I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.
If your day was that bad, why do you assume we want to know about it?
Not to brag,,,, but legally,,, before something can be labeled "Idiot Proof",,, they have to run it by ME.