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My bed has no frame and sits directly on the floor because under-bed monsters are just one less thing I have to worry about now.
It hurts when you goto unfriend someone only to discover they beat you to it
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!
A comprehensive list of the things women have taught me: 1) I`m wrong.
Girls are funny creatures. They hate it when you ask their age but will kill you if you forget their birthday.
We spend 33% of our life sleeping, 33% wanting to be asleep and the rest apologizing to women.
I know it’s “cool” to make fun of celebrities, but the Bieber jokes need to stop. That’s somebody’s daughter.
I just found out that all the people who say "You haven`t changed a bit" have been lying to me. :)
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “tiny doll feet scampering into the closet” because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that
Cats would be even more stuck up if they knew how much the internet loves them.
My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him, next time, don`t leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.
I will never repeat filthy rumors. So listen closely the first time.
I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She`s 97 today and we don`t know where the hell she is.