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My 6 yo just chugged a bottle of water in 30 seconds. Now I`m fearful of her college days.
If McDonald`s was smart they`d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
It is literally impossible to prove that Harry Potter wasn`t just in his parents basement on acid the whole time
The Brain ? Forgets what I want to remember, Remembers what I want to forget.
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,400 hours. Roughly the same as one Monday on earth feels.
I said "sad face emoji" instead of actually frowning today if you want to know how out of touch with reality I am.
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
I don`t think America should elect a president in 2016. We need to be single for a few years and find ourselves.
On the 12th day of Christmas my FB gave to me- 12 dudes I`m blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted Barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, fiiiivvvvee drama queeeennss, 4 game requests, 3 photo tags, 2 friends a-pokin and a creep who wont stop Inboxing meee... ;)
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of people wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
I have reliable inside information about Apple`s next product. I will not be able to afford it.
is experiencing life at a rate of several wtf´s a minute
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it`s not in my way.
I’m totally fine with favoritism as long as I’m the favorite.
Suddenly I can`t remember if it`s ok to use tampons as Nerf darts or if it`s the other way around.