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When I say "It`s a long story," it doesn`t mean it`s actually a long story. It means I just don`t want to tell you.
My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.
Marriage: It`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
“Was that lightning?” “No no…. they’re taking pictures for Google Earth..”
There must be an easier way to transport long poles across canyons other than walking across a tightrope carrying one pole at a time.
You should get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep... 9 if you`re an ugly bitch...
Car sex is not fun...that tailpipe BURNS
Today’s Horoscope: You’re gullible
You`d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their butt in the mirror they would be able to parallel park.
People hear my southern accent and automatically assume I`m stupid. Let me tell you something right now. That is just a coincidence.
I guess today has been pretty good. I haven`t had to slap one single person yet....
Relationship status: Are you gonna eat that?
If I could be any animal I`d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.
I`m not lazy... I`m in energy saving mode.