Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Crap, summer is here and I`m nowhere near in drinking shape yet.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
No one’s going to do it for you. It’s up to just you to make naps a priority in your life.
Told my kids next time I take their electronics away I`d also be responding to all texts they receive. They`ve been well behaved since.
People who say `expresso` instead of `espresso,` may I axe you to please stop? Thanx.
Dear Alcohol, Will you be my valentine? ?
I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.
So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."
Laughter is not the best medicine. Laughter with large amounts of alcohol & wild crazy monkey sex - now that`s the best medicine.
I can update Facebook from anywhere. Even when crossing the stre
I really just need a vodka cranberry and a slap on the a$$. Hold the cranberry.
I can`t believe that it`s the year 2012, and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting
The future was so much cooler in the past.
Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is "limo window partition" between the front and back seat not an option yet?