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To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present....They are due back at the library today.
If I throw a stick will you leave?
Why do they ask you "Please press 1 for English, then put you with someone who`s accent is so thick you can`t understand them?
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they`re looking for ideas.
When people I don’t know ask me what I do for a living I shout “Karma,” and punch them before running away.
You know what`s the best part about waking up early? Nothing, it sucks!
The phrase "Go see your Ford dealer" means something completely different in Canada than the United States.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn`t work any better.
Hey mother in law.... Don`t tell me how to raise my kids. Im still trying to raise yours.
Another successful year no random father`s day cards in the mail!
If it wasn`t for physics and law enforcement, I`d be unstoppable.
Its all fun and games until someone drinks the beer with the cigarette butts in it..
My ex says that he will dance on my grave. I`ve now arranged to be buried at sea
awesome collection!
It’s a holiday. You know what that means… Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.