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It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do!
You say stalker. I say unpaid private investigator.
Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it`s an intervention.
Give a man a gun he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he can rob everybody
Why would anybody put 99 bottles of beer up on a wall in the first place?
There’s a good reason I’m up this late: because I have to wake up really early.
"I like your tree`s earring." ... "That`s a tire swing."
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
My brain contains a few things I should know and the rest is just song lyrics.
That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too.
The more I get to know you, the more I`m convinced that you are the sole inspiration behind many medications.
You don`t need to use your words if you`re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
If our phones were really smart, they would tell us to get off of Facebook and do something meaningful or constructive with our lives.
Apparently asking girl scouts which cookie pairs nicely with whiskey is inappropriate....
Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they’re not looking!