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If you think you hate me now, wait till I start answering your rhetorical questions.
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I’d say it’s been a success.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream. Bring it.
If you want to preview of the new iPhone 8 and try it out for free before buying it just look at your iPhone 7 and pretend it cost several hundred dollars more.
Most people don`t think I`m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer.....me trying not to drop a child
I took up the game of Golf recently. . .but I had too much trouble getting through that windmill.
The first sign of laziness:
Just saw a cop that had a U-Haul pulled over on the side of the road. Obviously he was trying to bust a move.
snooze button, becuase all I need after 8 hours of sleep, is a nap
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
For a guy who makes as many bad decisions as I do, I feel like I should be having more fun.
I like my coffee like I like my men: caffeinated, made of beans, muscular, tousled hair, you know what, I don`t really know how to do this..
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.
Wal-Mart: Because going to Target requires a shower.