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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I party like a Rockstar. A very poor Rockstar who isn`t in a band anymore.
No one knows what women really want, but everyone agrees it still won`t be enough.
The best way to scare a man is to use the urinal stall next to him. This works exceptionally well if you are a woman.
Night people could take over the world if we weren’t so busy finding something good on TV.
You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent ? That’s why I never take baths...
I wonder if Alex Trebek’s tombstone will say ‘Who was the host of Jeopardy?’
If I procrastinated any harder right now, it would have to involve time travel.
She deleted and blocked me so I guess you can say we`re taking it slow now.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I`m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
I don`t get nearly enough credit for managing not to be a violent psychopath
I had this awesome dream last night where Facebook went down and most of you went on a killing spree.
Just tore the tag off my mattress and there’s nothing the feds can do about it. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
Why does McDonalds call it a drive thru when you have to drive AROUND the building?
Noise canceling toilets should be a thing.