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I don’t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it.
The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
We look like we are being productive, but really, we are just talking sh!t about co-workers and how drunk we got last weekend.
Thank you Pringles for being the only chip company that doesn`t sell air.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash.
75% of women in open relationships don`t actually know it yet.
The internet...turning cowards into tough guys daily.
You might call it ‘whipped.’ I call it `guy who’s getting laid.’
I get in this weird mood where I don’t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood ‘Awake’
I`m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that`s how weather works.
So apparently putting Alkaseltzer in my pocket while I`m getting baptized and pretending I`m the devil is not funny.
I`d rather SH!T in my hands and clap!
After reading some marriage post, I`m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.