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Sticks and stones may break your bones. Also good: lead pipes.
Pretending to tolerate other people is exhausting.
On a scale of Doopers, you`re pretty Super.
That awkward moment when you realize this year is just going to be filled with morons talking about the end of the world the whole time.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
After opening this month`s electric bill, I am no longer scared of the dark.
This Tequila tastes like an afternoon of fun and bad decisions.
Apparently my socks never remember “The Buddy System” whenever I wash them.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Do me a favor if someone tells you they don`t like me , tell them I don`t like them either.
I`m really sick of responsibility ... and underwear
These Jehovah`s Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.
How many exercise/workout videos does a person have to buy before seeing results?
Home is where the alcohol is.