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When I come home 4 the holidays I throw $40 on the table & say "Look we`re keeping the thermostat at 75, and we`re turning on some lights."
Right before I die, my last words will be, "I left a million dollars in the........
I don`t believe in karma, but I do believe in punching people in the face.
Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
I Don’t answer text messages right when I get them so I don’t seem desperate. Then, I forget about them and never respond.
We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.
Chicken pot pie sounds like a great idea if you add commas.
Is it even possible to calmly walk away from a dark basement?
I tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Don`t be sad, laundry. Nobody is doing me either.
After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me " maybe life isn`t for everyone"
The truth might set you free, but lying might keep you out of jail.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Sorry I said "nice phone" when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Despite its name, Gatorade is pretty much fatal to alligators. I’m not allowed to volunteer at the zoo anymore.