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Trail mix is just a reminder of how much better it would`ve been if I just ate a bag of M&M`s!
Why don`t prison inmates just use liquid soap?
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there`s a cop hiding in the bushes
I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful.
I`d offer moral support, but I have questionable morals.
You should have been a chicken and just went home.
Sometimes after a nap, I like to take another nap.
If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn`t be called nachos.
I don`t care what people think of me. It can`t be half as bad as what I think of them...
I guess today has been pretty good. I haven`t had to slap one single person yet....
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
I don`t know what I`d do without coffee...Probably twenty five to life in the state penitentiary.
OMG guys!! im so happy!! the doctors just gave me a jacket so im always hugging myself!!
I started drinking a little early. Yesterday, to be more precise.
There`s no way that whatever mothballs prevent is worse than the smell of mothballs.