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Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I`ve got to remember to tie a string around my finger!
It’s like these fools at the gym have never seen someone with roller skates on the treadmill before.
I love my work, but I would also love to never have to do it again.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it`s like excuse me, I`m working here.
Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working
If I don`t remember what I did, don`t ruin it for me by reminding me.
Diet Tip #63 : Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.
Do good masochists go to heaven, or hell?
People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
When you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
Have you ever noticed that the & symbol looks like a guy dragging his butt across the floor?
On the bright side, my coffee will never get cold in hell.
The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you.