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I used to have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lived 150 miles away
Ideal roommate: Someone not smart enough to know they are paying 80% of the rent.
Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space
It’s amazing how little information I need on someone before I decide I don’t like them.
I wonder if any Disney managers ever start a meeting off with "What kind of Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?"
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I`ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I`ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
I forgot to pay my bill to the exorcist and so I got re-possesed.
Rappers seem to have an unhealthy interest in female dogs, don`t they?
Sticks and stones, break my bones, but hollow points expand on impact!
I"m not saying that I am batman, i`m just saying no one has ever seen me and batman in a room together
Each day is a gift, but some days are socks and underwear
Why is it that whenever you dial a wrong number, somebody always answers?
Did anyone else go into a furious, violent rage when they found out that George Lucas filmed most of Star Wars here on Earth?
if it has tits or tires sooner or later it will give you problems.
Five second rule? Pfft. What`s the point of having an immune system if you`re not going to use it?