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At least mosquitos are attracted to me.
Sometimes, numbers are the only thing you can truely count on.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I love living single, drinking double, and sleeping triple.
I used to wonder what it was like to read people’s minds. Then I got a Facebook account and I got over it.
I saw a baby wearing a bib that said, “This dumbass put my cape on backwards”
Honking your horn won´t make them go any faster, but at least they´ll know that you´re an asshole.
The hardest part about being humble is not telling people how much better I am than they are.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
There are 2 kinds of people I can’t stand: Nosy people, and people who won’t tell me what in the hell is going on.
Girls, dont read this please: Hey guys, isn`t it funny how our wives/or girlfirends really think that we care what they did that day? lol.....it never gets old.
My goal in life: Build a time machine and travel forward into the future until I can stop and ask someone "Do you know what `buffering` is?" and they are clueless.
When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.
Neil Armstrong was the first human being to step foot on the moon. Neil A. backwards spells "Alien"
“Until death do us part,” means we will all be single in heaven, right?