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If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
There`s never been a lazier group of people than the ones that settled on naming a candy bar "Whatchamacallit."
Forget beauty sleep. I want skinny sleep.
Remember when there was more important crap to do besides Facebook all day? Me neither.
The path to inner peace begins with 3 simple words....Not my problem.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned hiking, it`s the early bird gets the face full of spider webs
Facebook: an alternative to drunk dialing.
The word bed looks like a bed.
I broke my finger today. But on the other hand I`m fine.
props to the parent at the mall that walked up afterward to ask santa what his kid wanted lol
Is there a phobia for leaving the house when your phone isn`t fully charged? There should be.
Taught a man how to buy fish ... So much easier.
You know it`s getting bad when the voices in your head start texting you
When your feeling down, I will be there to feel you up. ;)
"it`s the thought that counts" doesn`t include showering. You have to actually do that.